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« Check Out H.R. 4336 - Maybe The Greatest Bill In Congressional History | Main | Obama's Debt Solution: Crack-O-Nomics »
Thursday
Jul282011

American People Hire High-Powered Former Goldman Sachs Lobbyist To Represent Their Interests In Congress

Lobbyist Jack Weldon will finally give the American people a voice in Washington.

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WASHINGTON—Citing a desire to gain influence in Washington, the American people confirmed Friday that they have hired high-powered D.C. lobbyist Jack Weldon of the firm Patton Boggs to help advance their agenda in Congress.

Known among Beltway insiders for his ability to sway public policy on behalf of massive corporations such as Johnson & Johnson, Monsanto, and AT&T, Weldon, 53, is expected to use his vast network of political connections to give his new client a voice in the legislative process.

Weldon is reportedly charging the American people $795 an hour.

"Unlike R.J. Reynolds, Pfizer, or Bank of America, the U.S. populace lacks the access to public officials required to further its legislative goals," a statement from the nation read in part. "Jack Weldon gives us that access."

"His daily presence in the Capitol will ensure the American people finally get a seat at the table," the statement continued. "And it will allow him to advance our message that everyone, including Americans, deserves to be represented in Washington."

The 310-million-member group said it will rely on Weldon's considerable clout to ensure its concerns are taken into account when Congress addresses issues such as education, immigration, national security, health care, transportation, the economy, affordable college tuition, infrastructure, jobs, equal rights, taxes, Social Security, the environment, housing, the national debt, agriculture, energy, alternative energy, nutrition, imports, exports, foreign relations, the arts, and crime.

Weldon said that after successfully advocating on behalf of Goldman Sachs and BP, he is relishing the opportunity to lobby for the American people, calling it the "challenge of a lifetime." The veteran D.C. power player admitted that his new client is at a disadvantage because it lacks the money and power of other groups.

"The goal is to make it seem politically advantageous for legislators to keep the American people in mind when making laws," Weldon said. "Lawmakers are going to ask me, 'Why should I care about the American people? What's in it for me?' And it will be up to me and my team to find some reason why they should consider putting poverty and medical care for children on the legislative docket."

Though Weldon has only been on the job for three days, legislators have already seemed to take notice.

  • "Before today, I'd actually never heard of this group," Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) told reporters.  "But if Jack says they're worth my time, I'll take a look and see if maybe there are some areas where our interests overlap."
  • "But I'm not making any promises," he added.  "I'm a very busy man."

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Reader Comments (9)

I didn't want to spoil it in the story...for those who don't get it, this is a very well done spoof from the onion.
Jul 28, 2011 at 3:48 PM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
Jul 28, 2011 at 6:15 PM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
WASHINGTON (MarketWatch) — The House of Representatives is preparing for a critical vote to cut spending and raise the nation’s debt ceiling later Thursday, as Senate Democrats say they’ll reject the Republican bill and a potential default by the government lays just over the horizon.

http://www.marketwatch.com/story/debt-ceiling-bill-heads-for-tough-house-vote-2011-07-28
Jul 28, 2011 at 6:16 PM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
Jul 28, 2011 at 6:18 PM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
WASHINGTON (MarketWatch) — Friday’s report on the pace of economic growth may be so weak as to spur talk of stagflation.

Economists polled by MarketWatch expect the economy slowed in the second quarter to a 1.6% annual rate from a already disappointing 1.9% rate in the first three months of the year.

Growth is nowhere near the pace that would make a dent in the 9.2% unemployment rate.

http://www.marketwatch.com/story/whiff-of-stagflation-may-come-in-q2-gdp-report-2011-07-28
Jul 28, 2011 at 6:19 PM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
WASHINGTON (MarketWatch) — The House on Thursday abruptly pushed back a scheduled vote on a Republican bill to lift the U.S. debt ceiling, in a sign that the GOP was having trouble rounding up enough support to pass it.

http://www.marketwatch.com/story/house-pushes-back-debt-limit-vote-2011-07-28-180410
Jul 28, 2011 at 6:19 PM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
DAMN!!! I was believing The Onion, especially the 310-million-member group. LOL
Jul 28, 2011 at 6:31 PM | Unregistered CommenterTR
Sorry to spoil it TR...but it's a great piece of satire nonetheless.
Jul 28, 2011 at 8:59 PM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
Due to the desires of white collar America, 9-11 did not actually happen, the slime all over the gulf is 'Happy Foam" and the looting of the stock market is really being done by little elves, intending to deposit it into the stockings of good little boys and girls this Christmas! So deck the halls!
For those not believing in Santa Claus, Geithner recently announced that all good little boys and girls can pick up their checks at your local branch of the central bank.
Jul 29, 2011 at 12:45 AM | Unregistered CommenterHoward T. Lewis III

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