Drunken Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Monumentally Screwed The U.S. Economy Really Is

The intoxicated Fed chairman informs bar patrons of the dangers of reckless spending.

---

SEWARD, NE—Claiming he wasn't afraid to let everyone in attendance know about "the real mess we're in," Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke reportedly got drunk Tuesday and told everyone at Elwood's Corner Tavern about how absolutely fucked the U.S. economy actually is.

Bernanke, who sources confirmed was "totally sloshed," arrived at the drinking establishment at approximately 5:30 p.m., ensconced himself upon a bar stool, and consumed several bottles of Miller High Life and a half-dozen shots of whiskey while loudly proclaiming to any patron who would listen that the economic outlook was "pretty goddamned awful if you want the God's honest truth."

"Look, they don't want anyone except for the Washington, D.C. bigwigs to know how bad shit really is," said Bernanke, slurring his words as he spoke. "Mounting debt exacerbated—and not relieved—by unchecked consumption, spiraling interest rates, and the grim realities of an inevitable worldwide energy crisis are projected to leave our entire economy in the shitter for, like, a generation, man, I'm telling you."

"And hell, as long as we're being honest, I might as well tell you that a truer estimate of the U.S. unemployment rate is actually up around 16 percent, with a 0.7 percent annual rate of economic growth if we're lucky—if we're lucky," continued Bernanke, nearly knocking a full beer over while gesturing with his hands. "Of course, if everybody knew that, it would likely cripple financial markets across the entire fucking globe, even in various emerging economies with self- sustaining growth."

After launching into an extended 45-minute diatribe about shortsighted moves by "those bastards in Congress" that could potentially exacerbate the nation's already deeply troublesome budget imbalance, the Federal Reserve chairman reportedly bought a round of tequila shots for two customers he had just met who were seated on either side of him, announcing, "I love these guys."

Numerous bar patrons slowly nodded in agreement as Bernanke went on to suggest the United States could pass three or four more stimulus packages and "it wouldn't even matter."

"You think that's going to create long-term economic growth, let alone promote job creation?" Bernanke said. "We're way beyond that, my friend. There are no jobs, okay? There's nothing. I think that calls for another drink, don't you?"

Continue reading at the Onion...

The REAL Unemployment Rate Is 22%

Bernanke attempts to find the Aerosmith song "Back In The Saddle."

Comments

[Howard T. Lewis III]

The only honest words out of The Bernanke's mouth had to be documented by The Onion. The present take down of our nation's economy is a congressionally approved cheap jailhouse blindside sucker punch. Who deregulated what and why the fuck have a majority of Wall Street trades for the past two years been through blind as a bat high velocity trades. All the bat sees are the bugs and obstacles, just like an altricial trout farm stock trader with only McDonald's Drive-in work experience and even less vision. Try to get a conviction for incompetence. Service to the investors has been secreted out the back door and replaced by the music to get them down the chute into the street to start over.
Bernanke would die of fright without his freedom to lie. HEY BERNANKE!! BOO, you motherfucher.

[Texas Dar]

Now thats the kind of shit we like to see. To bad its photo shoped and very well done too......Ya gotta love a Dumb Drunk Mother Fucker from the hill. Top of the hill too........?

[Sagebrush]

Sorry Dar, but thats one M****r F****r I could never love. However, I would love hearing he's been found guilty of conspiring to defraud the American People of trillions of dollars, and is going to spend 30 years in prison with Big Bubba as a cellmate.